This was written last night actually in a notebook. I've done little editing other than trying to catch misspells. I found it amusing XD Btw, the paragraph bit before...is NOT my idea of completed. This is part of notes I write myself and it's always summarized. I only leave it in here to give some little idea on the background of the scene.

It isn't long before Mina submits and lets him bite her. Only then, when she feels her blood leaving her body and into his mouth does she begin to believe. Mina starts questioning Theo about his taste for blood. He offers her to try some of his. She hesitates but ends up tasting. The taste sends a sensation to her stomach, something akin to a hot and piercing throb. It tastes like normal human blood but it overloads her senses like something she's never felt before. She begins to get dizzy. He asks if she would like to become a vampire. She refuses his offer.
Theo: Why?
Mina: I don't think I want to live forever or drink blood. Don't you miss the variety of food?
Theo: Immortality has it's blessings. You wouldn't be living it as a human. And you'll find you're suddenly not so squeamish about drinking the blood of strangers when it becomes all you hunger for.
Mina: Seems rather limited to me.
Theo: Perhaps. But the benefits of being such a creature allow a whole new world of freedom that such sacrifices become insignificant.
Mina: And what do you do with all that time on your hands?
Theo: Whatever you want. The world will become your playground.
Mina: In a way it already is..
Theo: Bullshit. You are a captive to your mortality. What risks have you taken in your short life?
Mina: What does risk have to do with play?
Theo: Everything Mina. Everything. You are more naive than I originally thought. And you're blind to the life I offer you.
Mina: It doesn't seem right. To give up my humanity and take on the life of a dark creature.
Theo: Death is what you make of it. (his attempt at a joke. As usual, mostly amusing himself.)
They are silent for a moment.
Theo: So, if you don't want to become a vampire why fuck one?
Mina: Why did Captain Kirk screw all those alien women?
Theo: So you're conquering new species then? So you know you can't just kiss and leave me.
Mina: You're welcome to stay as long as you'd like.
Theo: You would let me stay? A dark creature who wants nothing more than to make you immortal? To make you his forever?
Mina: First of all I doubt I'd have much say if you wanted to stay and second, sweet talk like that is creepy.
Theo: Ah but I mean every word. I may lose my resolve and give in to my desires and take you. All for myself.
Mina: Well, if you changed me against my will then I suppose I'd just have to kill you.
Theo: Then do what you must.
Theo bites Mina and does force the Change on her. Her world spirals into a hellish chaos.

 Bear Grylls. Alot. I love watching him eating animals raw. Something hot about the sound of his teeth tearing away the flesh, muscle, tendons, bone etc from the body.

2009 was one of the more difficult years for me. We had moved the video store and in January were just finishing construction. Money was slow coming. I was working everyday making only $30 at the most to show for it. It was miserable and the building had no heat other than the heaters we brought in. We struggled through spring and summer and into fall but finally, we had to give up. We were on the verge of bankruptcy and thankfully, someone bought the store. It was out of our hands! So we returned to our home and began running our signshop from there. All in all, 2009 was a struggle. A hard struggle and amazingly Danny and I didn't tear one another's throats out and continue to work and face life together. If nothing else about 2009, I think that's a plus. We had someone there at our side going through it too. I began working on two stories though it all eventually shifted to one with my character Mina. Sitting at home doing signs I realized I wanted to do something. WRITING! The first purpose of the writing was to get it out of my head and see if I could do it. It's barely even started still but it's in the growth process and many characters are still being developed, even Mina herself. The second goal is to make money. To finish, publish and hope to god that an audience loves it and gives me their money. I don't want to be rich but I want to be finacially stable. Then we got the RV. And managed to get the house refinanced at the end of the year which GREATLY diminished our monthly payments. We had hoped the money owed to us on the sale of the store would pay those house bills but alas, the people that bought the store lost their butts in a large finacial deal and could no longer support their own business much less the video store. They disappeared and have yet to contact us about all the video stuff that technically is ours since they are not fulfilling their part of the deal. To this day we have not heard from them or the landlord. The buildnig just sits there with everything it. While they took their stuff out (we peeked through the windows) they failed to notify us to come get our movies, tanning beds and other things. In the end, I think it's best to cut our losses here. Deep down, we want nothing to do with the video store anymore despite the principle of the matter.

2009 was very depressing. We learned that no one conducts business with any morality. It's gone beyond making a profit to figuring out how they can screw you over the best. And when someone fails, they let their pride get in the way and never tell you about it. We have learned you can trust few people out there anymore in matters of business and you must always keep an eye out and keep your ass covered. We have learned that in the end, the only people we can depend on are one another. Well I'm sure Danny knew this but at 25, it's an eye opener for me.

On the other hand, we come into the new year with a house refinanced with lower payments, an RV so if we can't make payments then we still have somewhere to live and won't be a burden on friends or family. (RV is fully paid off. We named it "Plan B") Danny has a goal of getting the RV to where we can haul the signshop around with us and teach classes on wrapping or hit craft fairs and rv shows and sell...whatever we can! I have a goal of finishing my book and bettering myself artwise. We also still have all our pets in tact and as always we have our friends and family and I think we've all become closer in the horrible and unforgiving 2009. I am thankful for everyone that was there for me either finacially or just by lending an ear and letting me rant. (This means you Renae! You're the best!) I am thankful that Danny and I remained together despite how hard everything got and that we didn't let spats and ugly factions of ourselves coming out ruin our relationship.

It's a new year. Our goals are the same and while, some days, it may seem as though nothing will ever work, we manage to keep our heads up anyway.

In the midst of the trouble I learned new things about myself. I am very adaptable even if at first I might rail against the change. I have lived without hot water, without water, without heat or a/c (in the store), without enough money, without a properly working fridge (thanks again mom for the new one!!! I'm grateful for it every day!). We've cut back alot and buy few things we want, mainly what we need. Christmas was nice even though we were too broke to give much.

I am still spoiled and selfish but at the same time have learned to live without in some things. I've learned to be happy that I still have a roof over my head, thankful when I have the kitchen full of food, that I have running water and a fireplace to keep us warm.

Yes, it's been rough but we made it another year and I'm more than certain we can make another

I just realized I don't have enough poems about sex or cock.


Almost reaching what I feel to be the end
Wrapping my fingers around
Prepared to enclose it in my fist
Making it more possible
Making it more...alive.
I can feel it moving around in my hand
Trying to make more out of nothing
Hold it closer to my face
Wanting to sense it in every way
Hold it close to my body
Feeling it's warmth
Craving it's release inside of me
Faster action with faster thoughts
Messy ends but finally I relaxed it all

This is something I found lying around my harddrive. If I had a purpose for this journal it will be for my writing, my thoughts, my head. If I remember correctly this was written only a few years ago. Amazing to see how far I've come and yet, how much the same I still am.  It's also funny how there's some parts of this that no longer make sense to me and I wonder what in the hell was I thinking???? And then how some of it makes more sense than before.  If only I knew. Perhaps they will make sense to you, whoever you are. Perhaps not.


Sometimes the world is too cruel. I just want to give up in all aspects of such. I feel alone at all times even in the presence of others. I feel my complements and my connections, but unaware are their presence from me. Who am I? Why am I here, really? Is their any oparticular point to this suffering of mine? If I'm to be alone, then why? If I'm to live with people and still be alone then why? Why am I the one? I show no shame in having what I have, but then I think that I should use it no? so then, why and how should I use it?

    Many options come up, all suggestions of a world that I have already journeyed. That didn't work, and alas still here I am, only more in tune and more provoked than before, when I was but an infant to life. To learn, is to understand, to understand, is to feel, then follows thought. Many stop after feel to thought, and leave their unanswered questions. But to learn is not to understand just once. For instance after one learns something, they must learn something else to use the wisdom given to gather more understanding, feeling, and then thought. Through the years we progress, some turn away the new questions, as they become more and more difficult to aquire the knowledge, to learn, understand, and then feel again. Without feeling is death, which is why interest in certain things is put to the side, For either lack of concern or difficulty level. Desire, escapes the masses. Ambition is turned into scholar. The ones that are willing to continue to learn. For what reason would we contnue to learn if the ones seen as learners, are named as such, based on structure of society, the weak and the strong, the meek, and the peaceful. Everyone has chosen their path. Some chose to die, and not ever think their concern is to learn the events happening in their life. Almost like an onward struggle again and again, until death. But still is the blessing of life given, for it is one's choice to attain and walk their path. Therefore, many levels of experience are required to understand.
    As I walk life, I learn about the different types all around, no matter where I go. I hope to find myself in this clouded wilderness, which is no different no matter where I go. I choose to change. From sad to happy, I can provide great value and leave change. But like a turn of their psyche. Mine still feel same, after all. No one sees me. And those that I feel see me, are not fully awakened to themselves. Even the elderly. a child is more innocent, so do not think of borders to turn others away. Our natural instinct is to accept one another, to connect and keep the flow going. But greed corrupts many and we even wish to hold on to our energy, which causes the wave of change, and choose to hold it, for fear of never feeling it again. Holding it, makes it dormant, and the protection grows larger. When the life's purpose changes, and urges humanity to stay away from one another. And hold on to our energies and not share with one another. But doing so, would rid greed, for none would feel bad if Another says, "Sorry I'm saving this to share with a friend, no offence." The next would say, " Yeah sure, here you go I've got plenty."